To The Daddy,
Our child is 50% you and 100% us.
Instead of carrying her in your womb, you carry the weight of our world on your shoulders.
You may not have felt her kick from the inside out, but you aren’t exempt from the pain of her loss.
I see you.
I see you forced into the role of “The Rock”. You are expected to be the solid counterpart to my emotional tendencies.
I see you wiping away my tears and wonder if you ever need a good cry.
I see you leave for work each day. Throughout it all, you have continued to build a life for our family without question or complaint.
When was the last time I checked your pulse? Maybe she has also been on your mind.
You lost her too, after all. She wrapped her tiny hand around your ring finger. She calmed when you held her near your heart.
She knew the love of her daddy…what a beautiful thing it is, the bond between a father and his child.
When we chose each other, little did we know this would be part of our story. And yet she is, forevermore.
In Japan, broken objects are often repaired with gold. The flaw is seen as a unique piece of the object’s history, which adds to its beauty. Isn’t that remarkable? I imagine our marriage as a well-made vase. The great loss of our child could have slowly caused a crack and eventually broken us apart. Instead, she’s our gold. She makes us stronger.
Never once have you ever thought, “What about me”? That’s not who you are. But I have for you. Because it isn’t about me. It isn’t about me and our child. It’s about us. All of us.
So, what about Dad?
They feel it too. They need to be remembered and thought of. They have off days and quiet days and just-plain-angry days.
Give them the opportunity to talk about it, don’t assume they won’t or don’t want to. Give them the opportunity to get away from it. Time with friends or enjoying their favorite hobby can help relieve stress.
Don’t take it out on the Daddy. It’s easy to do. They are close and nearby. The truth is, sometimes those we adore the most are in the line of fire.
When family and friends offer to help, keep him in mind. What are some ways people can help him too? Ask someone to mow the lawn. Ask his friends to take him for a guy’s night. If a meal train is going, suggest some of his favorite meals.
It’s easy for him to get lost in the shuffle of errands, picking-and-putting, taking care of this and that, bill paying, and more. He keeps moving. Help him pause every once in a while.
Acknowledge the Dad.
Love the Dad.