It was about this exact same time, just two years ago, that I sat in front of my blank computer screen…cursor blinking.
I decided to begin typing about the story of our Audrey as she lived just a few inches below my beating heart. On that day, never could I have imagined all that would unfold.
And now, today, I am once again typing away while a different baby girl curls around my womb.
Recently, I spent the morning working at one of my favorite coffee spots. It was a cloudy and stormy day, no sunshine to be found. I thought about how that is just like grief sometimes. A low-set gloom darkens everything. There aren’t any shadows. It’s simply and eerily monochromatic. But, light continues to shine just above the clouds. The sun is there, patiently and unconditionally waiting for you to rise up and allow its warmth to find your skin.
I blinked back to present moment and saw a beautiful mama walking in with her daughter that looked not-quite-two. She seemed about the age Audrey would be now. I watched them interact, all smiles and sweetness…like it was a commercial. Little one was donning a navy raincoat with bunnies all over it and there, like a ray of sunshine through the clouds, it noticed it. Her lovey. Tucked right inside her jacket, with just a head and two floppy ears peeping out, was a bunny zipped up tight and protected by this sweet girl.
In the same moment, I grinned sincerely while a lump swelled in my throat.
It never goes away. It never stops. And goodness, am I grateful. I will miss her, until I no longer have to and I, too, get Heaven.
I heard someone recently say they were tickled pink. I thought about what an appropriate description of emotion…color.
So much of my life is centered around color as a designer. Color can make or destroy a design…it matters more than most realize.
I started thinking about how we are tickled pink and green with envy…so, what exactly is the color of grief? The truth is, every person you ask may have a different opinion. Why? Because grief itself isn’t a single emotion….it’s all kinds.
Grief is red. It’s angry and mad. It’s wanting to punch a wall or scream into a pillow.
Grief is blue. It’s sad. It is tears that have no end and a heart that aches because a piece is broken.
Grief is grey. It’s neutral and slow. It’s the inability to feel one way or another or to make plans.
And grief is black. Its the darkest of dark. It’s broken and still. It can feel empty, alone and terrifying.
When we grieve, we’re all those colors and more. Grief is complicated and intimate. But, of all the life lessons I have been gifted, one that is so important is that grief bonds us.
We learn a lot about the people in our lives during hard times. You will learn the most, however, about yourself. Who are you when the worst happens?
Grief is incredibly revealing.
What color are you today? Are you tickled pink? Tell your best friend! Are you deep blue? Reach out and let someone in.
Love + Hugs, R