First, press play below. Listen and read the lyrics:
I hear her say it over and over again, “This is my fight song, take back my life song, prove I’m alright song…”
Her anthem becomes my own.
I only wish I had heard this song one year ago. A year ago, when I felt as though I was wandering, pondering and starting to lose my grip.
Now. Now I really do “feel a fire in my bones“. I am alright. Now I am strong. And so much of that is because of the strength I found through the desperate weakness I felt when growing a sick baby then watching her fight through life. We chose life for our daughter yet I couldn’t protect her. Such a helpless feeling as a parent.
I wanted her to fight, I wanted her to live. But that’s just it, I wanted it. Selfishly, I wanted to keep my daughter snuggled in my arms, but the most loving thing I ever did was let her go.
I continue to struggle with the guilt of living longer than my own daughter and moving forward in life. I “should” all over myself frequently. I lost pieces myself as I grieved the loss of Audrey, but the raw desperation I had for closeness with God is something I cherish. She made me be strong and He carried me through.
I watched a video of a couple who buried two baby girls within 18 months of each other. A gut-wrenching story really. But this woman, who loved God fiercely, journaled a conversation with Him one day and said, “If losing them means I get more of you, God, then I am okay.”
I mean…to think of what it must have taken her to get to that point of trust is humbling. Even as I type her words, goosebumps trickle along my arms. Am I “okay” with the death of Audrey?
Audrey was “like a small boat in the ocean, sending big waves into motion“. She changed things. Perspective is a beautiful and healthy thing, and something I make a priority now more than ever.
I’m so happy for her that she no longer suffers. I’m happy that Cooper still mentions her by name from time to time. I’m happy that she lived longer than most thought she might. I’m happy I got to snuggle her nose-to-nose. I’m happy that I got to fill my arms with her while Cooper sat by my side, loving her so. I’m happy that I got to watch my husband fall in love with his daughter. I’m happy that doctors and nurses learned from her. I’m happy that mothers who knew her cherish moments more because of her.
I’m happy that Audrey was.
Our little family is healthy and happy and I praise God for this. Every day is a fight for life. All of us who get to live another day, should fight for it. Life is a beautiful gift. Fight. For. It.
A dear friend sent her young husband home to Jesus very recently. As much as I like compiling words into run-on sentences, I find it nearly impossible to find the right ones to describe her loss. It gives me deep perspective, humility and gratitude. I so badly want her to fight, to take back her life…to prove that she will be alright. And she will, in time. She will once again find her footing as she learns life without him.
Everyone has their own battle. Perhaps it is how we choose to fight that determines who we will be on the other side.
May we all fight well in this beautiful thing called life.
Love + Hugs,