At The Carnival

AtTheCarnivalMy prayers don’t always come in the evening before bed with my knees on the ground. In fact, that’s rarely how they appear. They are constant conversations in my head…well, my heart.

I had a couple of hard days recently. For no reason at all, but for all the obvious reasons I suppose. One particular snapshot during these broken and bluesy days, I had a lot to say. I had an all out one-sided conversation with God. It felt like it was one-sided, but that is because He listens to every word.

I started writing it down because, frankly, even sitting alone at my kitchen table my head felt like I was in the middle of a chaotic crowd at a carnival trying to decide what ridiculous food to eat. My thoughts were messy and unorganized. In the end, however, it all made sense.

Have you said a similar prayer?

I need something from you today, God, I’m just not sure what. I don’t deserve a thing, I shouldn’t be asking for anything but my head and my heart are duking it out today. My head knows the logic but my emotional heart puts up a good fight. 

You didn’t break my heart, but you allowed it to break.
 
The roller coaster of highs and lows gave us whiplash. Made me sick to my stomach. Took our breath away. But not fully…only hers. Oh God, may I never forget the sight, the feeling, the sound of our daughter’s last breath as she grew wings. Remember that? You were there. I felt you, almost as real as our own arms cradling our girl as we sent her back to you.   
 
Sometimes I want to shake my fist at you. But I stop myself. I don’t.  I know that I could…I know that even if I did, you could take it and would show me grace despite all the fist shaking.  
 
My sweet friend introduced me to a new song, “Touch the Sky” and one line says “…my soul dances on the wings of forever.” That. Right there. That is what keeps me going, where I find strength during those lump-in-my-throat-fight-back-the-tears moments. She’s there with You F-O-R-E-V-E-R. And someday I’ll join the party. I’ll dance with my girl, her daddy will hold her tight, her big brother will take her hand. You have promised this gift. 
 
So…I guess I really don’t need to ask for anything at all, God. Today, I’ll just say an overdue thank you. Thank you for giving me MORE than I deserve. More time with Audrey than perhaps her tiny body should have allowed. An outpouring of love and support that is unmatched. A husband and a son that give me a sense of purpose. Family and friends that love me without condition, at my worst.
 
I’m still here. I get to live. Most days I question my purpose, only because it isn’t always clear. It looks different at times but I will continue to search for the answer because I’m practicing life. The practice of life. Never done learning, changing, bettering.
 
Love,
Me.   
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