My darling Audrey,
Are you there? Can you hear me when I whisper your name?
Sometimes I can feel lonely in a sea of people, yet there are moments I’m alone and can almost feel a resting hand of comfort on my shoulder.
Spring is upon us, yet another season has come and gone. We have lived a full Fall and Winter since you flew. Now a new one begins and after that? The season in which you lived will arrive. Your entire life was between Memorial Day and Labor Day…the Summer of Audrey. Appropriate I think. The months full of warmth and sunshine were your season.
I’ve made an honest effort to seek the joy this year. And I have. Joy surrounds me in thousands of ways and for this I am grateful. There is so much to appreciate, so much to love…so much to live.
I know that you are alive in Heaven, sweet girl. Perhaps you were intended for Heaven. Lately I’ve wondered if we, all of us who knew you and still love you, got to borrow you for those 81 days. Maybe, just maybe, He knew that we all might live differently if He would lend you to us, if even for a season.
I can see this now. I couldn’t before. I couldn’t help but think our time with you was cut short…too short. Now, what I want to say…what I need you to know, sweet girl, is that you were enough. You served your purpose beautifully and as Trisha so eloquently said at your service, God most certainly opened His arms wide as you entered through the gates and said lovingly, “Well done, little one.”
I’m proud of you too. I wanted a lifetime with you but I see now that what I wanted is exactly what we got. Your entire lifetime happened before our eyes. It was and is a privilege to be your mama, something no one can ever take away. You and Cooper are gifts.
I’ve intentionally stopped “wanting” and “wishing” about you and for you. Instead of “I wanted more time”, I am mindful to think “We got your everything. Each second of your fight was not to be taken for granted.” Instead of “I wish she were still here”, I have moved into a place of contentment for what we did have together and rejoicing in your whole and perfect self high in the Heavens above.
I’m feeling pieced back together more and more with each passing day. Granted, there are more pieces of me now and all in a bit of a different order than before, but the puzzle is coming together. I’m not sure of what is to come tomorrow, next month or next year, but I am content with that…I am living right now for today.
Your girlfriends, the other 2014 baby girls, are getting older, making strides and experiencing many firsts. It’s amazing all the first birthdays that have come and will continue throughout this year of those precious girls. I adore watching them grow, it’s so full of hope. I watch their mamas watch their daughters and I get to smile right along with them, I understand their love. I can appreciate that bond between a mother and her daughter. I’ve been blessed enough to parent both. I’m mama to your big brother who is a high-energy-dirt-between-his-toes-intelligent-beyond-his-years-daddy’s-boy. I also got to experience being mama to you. I got to dress you in pink and wrap bows around your head. I got to call you sister. I kissed your soft forehead as you took your very first breath and I cradled you to my chest after your last.
I got you. I got my girl.
You were enough, Audrey. Know that truth.
We’ll see you again. Go, be you. Be your perfect self in Heaven.
I love you. Then, now and forever.
Love & Hugs,