The Bond

The Bond

My darling Audrey,

Are you there? Can you hear me when I whisper your name?

Sometimes I can feel lonely in a sea of people, yet there are moments I’m alone and can almost feel a resting hand of comfort on my shoulder.

Spring is upon us, yet another season has come and gone. We have lived a full Fall and Winter since you flew. Now a new one begins and after that? The season in which you lived will arrive. Your entire life was between Memorial Day and Labor Day…the Summer of Audrey. Appropriate I think. The months full of warmth and sunshine were your season.

I’ve made an honest effort to seek the joy this year. And I have. Joy surrounds me in thousands of ways and for this I am grateful. There is so much to appreciate, so much to love…so much to live.

I know that you are alive in Heaven, sweet girl. Perhaps you were intended for Heaven. Lately I’ve wondered if we, all of us who knew you and still love you, got to borrow you for those 81 days. Maybe, just maybe, He knew that we all might live differently if He would lend you to us, if even for a season.

I can see this now. I couldn’t before. I couldn’t help but think our time with you was cut short…too short. Now, what I want to say…what I need you to know, sweet girl, is that you were enough. You served your purpose beautifully and as Trisha so eloquently said at your service, God most certainly opened His arms wide as you entered through the gates and said lovingly, “Well done, little one.”

I’m proud of you too. I wanted a lifetime with you but I see now that what I wanted is exactly what we got. Your entire lifetime happened before our eyes. It was and is a privilege to be your mama, something no one can ever take away. You and Cooper are gifts.

I’ve intentionally stopped “wanting” and “wishing” about you and for you. Instead of “I wanted more time”, I am mindful to think “We got your everything. Each second of your fight was not to be taken for granted.” Instead of “I wish she were still here”, I have moved into a place of contentment for what we did have together and rejoicing in your whole and perfect self high in the Heavens above.

I’m feeling pieced back together more and more with each passing day. Granted, there are more pieces of me now and all in a bit of a different order than before, but the puzzle is coming together. I’m not sure of what is to come tomorrow, next month or next year, but I am content with that…I am living right now for today.

Your girlfriends, the other 2014 baby girls, are getting older, making strides and experiencing many firsts. It’s amazing all the first birthdays that have come and will continue throughout this year of those precious girls. I adore watching them grow, it’s so full of hope. I watch their mamas watch their daughters and I get to smile right along with them, I understand their love. I can appreciate that bond between a mother and her daughter. I’ve been blessed enough to parent both. I’m mama to your big brother who is a high-energy-dirt-between-his-toes-intelligent-beyond-his-years-daddy’s-boy. I also got to experience being mama to you. I got to dress you in pink and wrap bows around your head. I got to call you sister. I kissed your soft forehead as you took your very first breath and I cradled you to my chest after your last.

I got you. I got my girl.

You were enough, Audrey. Know that truth.

We’ll see you again. Go, be you. Be your perfect self in Heaven.

I love you. Then, now and forever.

Love & Hugs,
Mama

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11 thoughts on “The Bond

  1. I have to say this was by far my favorite post I have read, so honest and so true and such an amazing outlook on it all.
    My favorite line: I know that you are alive in Heaven, sweet girl. Perhaps you were intended for Heaven. Lately I’ve wondered if we, all of us who knew you and still love you, got to borrow you for those 81 days. Maybe, just maybe, He knew that we all might live differently if He would lend you to us, if even for a season.

    Such a powerful statement and it literally made me look at life and death so differently. LOVE YOU FRIEND.

  2. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Rachel. I am so encouraged for you – that you are more determined than ever to have a happy life while you are on earth which is, after all, what God intends for you. The real sign of belief in Him is one’s ability to take the tough, tragic experiences in life and handle them with grace and devotion (which you did) and then make something good happen out of it (which you are doing) by mentoring your family and friends. Bless you!

  3. Oh how my heart wells up with hallelujahs as I read your beautiful writing. How thankful I am for a new season. As I have read a book this week by Max Lucado called Fearless, I see so many applications that have unfolded since God knitted Audrey in your womb. You have honored and glorified our Lord in every step and blessings will surely continue if we have eyes to see. I think your eyes are seeing very clearly, more so every day.

    May His peace and love and joy and of the other fruits of the Holy Spirit fill you today and in all the days of your life precious daughter. We will indeed be together again with that little Audrey Bunny. For now we choose life and trust Jesus for hope and the future. Love you.

  4. Rach thiis so beautiful to read! You are in my prayers every night! What a lucky girl sweet Audrey is to have such an amazing and strong mom. Lots of love to all of you! Xoxoxo

  5. ❤️ Beautifully said, my friend. So very touched by these words. You are so very loved by all of us, including your Audrey Bunny. And yes, I do believe she hears your angelic voice. Love you!

  6. This post brings joy to my heart and a smile to my face! It seems that you have turned that corner and I am so happy and encouraged for you. You too are a gift to this world, so keep being you and let your light shine brighter than ever. Love you!

  7. The place Audrey holds for many is just as you said – a shifting point that shook us and caused us to wake up and embrace Every. Single. Simple. Blessed. Moment. She will be loved. Always.

    Love you, friend. Thank you for wearing your heart on your sleeve for all of us so that we can be forever changed. You are beautiful in every way.

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