Gone Girl

Pinterest. It’s essentially an online cork-board that allows users to “pin” photos, links, ideas and the like on a board and you get to be the curator. It is a tool I use to garner creativity and inspiration as a designer with a home office. For the most part, I dig it. Sure, there is a part of me that loathes its very existence as it puts unrealistic expectations on kids’ birthday parties and fall wardrobes. You get to see what other people, including your friends, find “PINteresting”. It makes gift giving a big easier, that’s certainly a plus. Sometimes it acts as a little window into others’ mood, thoughts and feelings. For example, a friend recently slipped and pinned a photo of a impeccably designed nursery to her “Let’s Eat” board…oops, a baby may be on the way…?

I took a little break from Pinterest for a while. It seemed to be FULL of baby. Baby announcements, newborn photos, maternity outfit ideas, top ten registry ideas and on and on…and on. I just needed to focus on other things instead making myself miserable for no reason. However, as I transitioned back to work, I needed to put my research hat back on and log on…

I typed the address, http://www.pinter……

C’mon, Rach. You can do this.

http://www.pinterest.com > Enter

Boom, I kid you not, this was my initial view:

First View

“My New Baby” and “I’m a Big Brother” books…seriously? It was almost laughable. Whoever says God has no sense of humor needs to pay better attention. He does. Needless to say, I got through it and got over it, thus Pinterest and I have rekindled our relationship.

Several weeks ago, I contacted a friend from college who I met as we embarked on our parallel journey through the design program at OSU. She is a ridiculously talented photographer. We haven’t had family photos since Cooper was one…that’s right, ONE. Yikes. We planned on having some taken last fall, but had just become pregnant, so we decided to wait until baby joined the family.

That didn’t work out so well, huh?

Elyse agreed to photograph our little family this fall. We scheduled it for today. In preparation, I once again turned to Pinterest for inspiration on family photography, what to wear, where to go, and you know the drill. Search “family photography” and see what comes up. A matching mommy and daughter nose to nose, or the dad holding his little boy in one arm and newborn daughter in the other, or how about the one of the big brother nuzzling his baby sister while she dreams sweetly with a smile. Pictured before me, bright on the screen was the life we thought would be. The photos we hoped to take. Somehow, this simple task turned into a flood of emotion. Instead of planning our little photo session with our daughter, we thought of ways in which to honor her; in memory of her. Oh what a difference a year makes.

A few days ago, I was filling in our November calendar and as I put “Leslie Photos” on today’s date, it hit me. Literally, a sinking feeling, a ton of bricks, that all-too-familiar feeling of the wind knocked right out of me because…

Today marks 81 days our Audrey Claire has been gone.

Today she has been gone as long as she was here.

81 days ago today, she went quietly…without a sound.

“How appropriate,” I thought. On this day, we spent time together as a family, making time stand still for just a little while. Elyse, I’m certain, beautifully and honestly captured us as we are today. There may not be a baby girl on my hip wearing a little pink dress, but her spirit was there. The photos may feel a bit incomplete, but that’s okay because they are. I am. I’ll never again feel completely “whole” on this earth. One day, when Heaven’s gates are before me, I won’t walk through them…I’ll sprint into the arms of my Savior who will hopefully be holding our daughter. Until then, I blissfully gaze into the deep blue eyes of my husband and son and am overwhelmingly grateful and full of love. Chris made me a wife. Cooper made me a mama. Blessings abound…and even on the hardest of hard days with Mister Man and all his four-year-old drama, I remember that he is a gift and a daily blessing. He deserves to be a big brother and it pains me that he and Audrey won’t get to share that relationship. But at least for a moment in time, we got to watch him understand what it means to love someone so fiercely whom you’ve only just met. He loved her from the moment he laid eyes on her in that little glass house and I hope he never forgets what a superhero he was to his little Audrey.

We are incredibly thankful to Elyse for gifting us with her time and talent today, but most importantly for making this day, what could have been a sad, lonely one, full of moments we’ll treasure forever.

We’ll post a few photos later in the month, but for now, visit her blog http://elyfairphotos.com/blog and be inspired.

Love & Hugs,

R

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5 thoughts on “Gone Girl

  1. Once again your words inspire me. My Mother lost two sons. The first was a year and a half when he passed and we all bear that weight to this day. The other son was 42 and he too still weighs heavy on all our minds. I wish I could of expressed my feelings as well as you. I chose to hold my grief in. It was a terrible mistake. You have given me great insight into the heeling process. I thank you for your help. I hope you know how truly precious your words are. May God bless you and your family.

  2. Rachel your last post made my heart ache so badly that I still ponder your words daily. I still visualize walking against the flow on the “people carrier”. I kept praying for uplifting words with which to encourage you. They’ve never come. And, now your new post. Simpy put…WOW!! All I can offer u is my support, side by side, down on my knees support! God bless you and continue to take your heartaches to him.

  3. Rachel & Chris, thank you for being gracious enough to continue to share the Story of Audrey by offering a glimpse of your life as you go through the grieving process, and of course, as you all move forward.
    This post was especially poignant & inspirational, and you continue to be in our thoughts & prayers.

  4. I know exactly what you mean and I’m so sorry. Facebook is hard too. Everything is hard. I enjoy reading your posts. Continued prayers for you all.

  5. I read your blog today and just cried My family is sooooo broken right now. I have a 37 yr son battling drugs and alcohol. And a 40 yr son in prison for as long Heaven only knows,but they are my babies and thankful that they are mine and here alive. I had 1 baby die 6hrs after birth in 72 they didn’t have the medical expertise we have now, So they wrapped him in a blue blanket and handed him to me. I rocked him until he passed away waiting for my husband to hold him. he himself dying of Sarcoma Bone & nerve Cancer. He kissed him and told him he would see him soon. Wait for me he said.  Now they both wait for me when my time comes.Thanks for your Blog I read it often. Liz R

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