Today is a hard day. It’s cloudy and cool. The weather is changing, a new season is dawning. Proof that time is moving on and the world continues to turn. It’s like nature’s reminder that time cannot stand still and we are forced to keep going. Each week since you earned your wings has gone too quickly. I miss every single thing about you. Memories of you flash unexpectedly and stop me in my tracks. It’s so intensely bittersweet, I can almost taste it.
As the rain falls today I wonder if tears from Heaven might be real?
Do you know what you have done? Do you know that in your 81 days, you changed people’s lives?
Let me tell you just a few of the ways you impacted family, friends and even some who didn’t get the chance to meet you in person. Letters, notes and messages have come to me when I needed it most, sharing how you made a difference.
- Your strength gave hope to two different families who have babies that are battling with severe health complications.
- Your life inspired a mother to take nothing for granted. She spends more time rocking her baby and less time wishing the sleepless nights away.
- Your smile stole the heart of one person who was feeling hopeless and anxious.
- Your story gave comfort to one couple who lost their daughter, knowing you earned your wings and have joined her up above.
- You made Cooper a brother.
You did these things and so much more. You deserve the world, but I can’t give it to you. I would have done anything for you, baby. But what you have been given is more than anything your daddy or I could provide, you have Heaven. I may not be humming in your ear right now, instead angels are singing sweet lullabies. You may not be in your daddy’s arms, instead you are being rocked by Jesus. You aren’t smiling your gummy grin at Cooper, instead you are surrounded by many angel babies and children that have gone before you. These are the things I must remind myself when I taste more of the bitter and less of the sweet.
I sat at my desk this morning and started in on a Christmas design for work. I thought about Christmas. You experienced one…you were in my belly, remember? From my computer screen, I looked up and my eye caught a glimpse of the ornament we made with your handprint. I gently picked up this treasure more precious than gold and placed my hand over yours. I traced each inch of your tiny fingers. Suddenly, the glass felt too fragile. As carefully as I picked it up, I placed it back on the “A” hook that it calls home. Momentarily distracted, I simply sat, I tried to catch my breath. My hands; unwilling to move, all the creativity in me; lost.
I shook my head, took a deep breath in and told myself to get back to work. I did just that. The sweet part of work is that it gives me a sense of purpose. The bitter part is when I feel guilty for going too many seconds, minutes or hours without you in the forefront of my thoughts. It’s a process, but I’m getting better at it.
I’m still waiting for a dream of you. Praying for this gift. Put in a good word with the Big Guy, will you?
Audrey-girl, did I ever say thank you? Did I mumble or weep the words? If I could go back, I would say it every single day. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Know that my list of 1,000 gifts is full of so much of you, for you and because of you.
Keep waiting, baby girl.
Love & Hugs,
CELEBRATION OF LIFE VIDEO: AUGUST 25, 2014
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