Isn’t It Ironic?

Today I went back into the archives of my mind. Remembering, reminiscing…I thought back to Cooper’s earliest weeks.  I realized quickly how naively I took much for granted.

How many times was I too preoccupied with getting to the next “chore” instead of taking time to sit and just hold him?  Wishing those days away…”I can’t wait until he this, won’t it be nice when he can that…”  Time went too quickly, he was a baby for such a short time.

Now?  All I have is time. But not the luxury of being Audrey’s “mommy”. Instead I catch myself feeling a bit more like her visitor. Of course I am her mother, nothing can ever change that.  But the little things that make me her mommy simply cannot happen right now.  I have all the time in the world to sit and hold her, study her, feed her…oh the irony of life.

If only I knew then what I know now…sweet perspective.

We learned today that because Audrey has had to be one position for so many days in a row, she has an area on the lower part of the back of her head with some blood loss.  The wound is being treated by physical therapists. When they discovered it, I thought to myself how I wish I could take the pressure off her little head. Wishing I could somehow offer her any kind of relief.

I was quickly reminded of how many family and friends have said those words to us lately, just in a different sense.  “How can I help?”  “How can we relieve some of the pressure you guys are under”  “Any way I can provide some relief?” Thankful for people in our life who know just what we need exactly when we need it.

At almost the very moment I thought this out in my head, I looked up and realized the PICU was getting a new patient. I saw a team of doctors and nurses flood a room just a few doors away from ours.  Then I saw the patient…another teeny baby.

I wonder what this family’s story is, why is this baby here? I wish I could write them a set of instructions and a list of what to expect in the coming days.  I would tell them that nothing in life prepares them for this. No words can adequately describe the roller coaster they are about to ride. But I would tell them that they will learn so much about themselves throughout the process.  Valuable life lessons will be learned that simply cannot be taught. I pray this family can sleep tonight.  That they can allow themselves the opportunity to rest and recover, just like their baby needs to.

Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, eh? We live and learn and pass it on, I suppose. Unable to change the past, challenged to pay it forward.

Overall Audrey is recovering smoothly.  They continue to be aggressive in helping her eliminate fluid.  When she was admitted last Monday, she weighed 2.3kg, today she weighs 3.97kg…basically, she needs a serious diet.  So they are giving her more concentrated fluids and medications, plus they paused the paralytic to allow her to move, or “work out”, and further increase the amount of fluid eliminated.

I have several children who are heavy on my heart right now.  Little ones who are sick or hurting.  It makes me ache, particularly for their parents and families.  I pray for their comfort, healing and that each of their stories would touch someone, would change someone’s life for the better.  I know I have learned something from each of them.  Kids are such fighters and we, as adults, have much to learn from them.

To these children, including my little bunny, I write:

A Fighter’s Lullaby

Life doesn’t look quite like we had hoped,

It’s a little different and we’re learning to cope.

For your life you have learned, it requires a fight,

Don’t give up, little one, living without  you just isn’t right.

Show me your eyes, remind me you’re there,

Breathe deeply, my love, fill your chest with air.

I may not know what is come,

But surely I know the regrets are none.

You’ve changed me for the better, of this I am sure,

Your innocence golden, your heart so pure.

Rest a while with me in the quiet and still,

As your heart beats with rhythm, mine starts to fill.

With you and for you, I cry out to the One,

To wrap His arms ’round you, with you He’s not done.

Come back to me quickly, I need you here,

No matter how long, I’ll wait for you, my baby, my dear.


Goodnight, dear warriors.




10 thoughts on “Isn’t It Ironic?

  1. Rachel,

    Your words are such a gift to us! You are already paying it forward. We continue to pray for all of you!

    Love, Julie

  2. You don’t know us, but my husband and I are praying for baby Audrey. You all are an amazingly strong family. Know that God is good and is already working miracles on your little girl. Thank you so much for sharing her story, and your beautiful writing. Hugs to all.

  3. Rache,

    Oh, that I could do something to help all of you. You know I love you dearly and would do anything in the world for you. I wish I could take away all of the pain. I have been and continue to pray for all of you. Being so far way from you, that is all I can do at this moment.

  4. Rachel and Chris,
    Please know that we are thinking of you and Audrey and praying for strength in this difficult time. Your poem was most inspiring! We love you, Leigh Ann, Paul, and Donald

  5. The Lord my God is in my midst
    A warrior bringing victory
    He creates calm with His love
    He rejoices over me with singing
    Zephaniah 3:17

  6. Chris, Rach, Coop, and Audrey: My goodness you all are incredible. God is incredible. You are so evidently showing the Lord through your lives! I am blessed to call you friends. Please know that I, and hundreds of others are praying for you all. I love you all so much.

  7. Hi Rachel,

    I’ve been following Audrey’s story. Thank you for sharing. I am praying for your beautiful girl. I loved your wisdom on taking time to hold your babies…so true. As I hold my own 4 week old boy I take those words to heart. I can’t imagine your heart ache but I am praying God’s glory and an overall holy experience.

    Katherine Hahaway Crouse

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