Come Back to Me.

After another 12 hour day spent in the new hospital that is her home, I walked into the comforting doors of our home. Everything was the same, yet everything felt different.

I started a much needed load of laundry, many of the items were the tiniest of onesies that Audrey was wearing during her stay at the other hospital. I was reminded of the very first day she got to wear clothes. And then pictured her now, her body swollen, covered not by clothing but instead by part of a diaper and mostly wires and tubes. She doesn’t have a need for clothing right now, but again she will. And when she is ready, her clothes are washed and clean.

Later I put a full eight ounces of fresh milk into our freezer. For a moment I took it all in. This freezer. It’s overflowing with frozen milk. Milk that her body hasn’t had in days. Milk that I worked for her to have. A connection between us. She and I, mother and daughter.

Then, as the night came to a close, I walked out of Cooper’s room, glancing quickly at hers. Still not ready, still unfinished. And I thought sweetly…that’s her. Right?

Still not ready. Still unfinished.

She’s literally fighting. I watch her heart beating in her open chest. I wish so desperately I could hold this tiny, incredible organ in my own hands and heal it. I wish I could feel the weight of her in my arms. I want to kiss her, snuggle her, be reminded of her scent.

Come back to me, Audrey. I need you in a desperate way. We are all waiting for you. Will you remember me? Do you dream about times with Cooper and the gentle, loving touch of your Daddy?

I believe yes. I believe in you, my darling. I believe you have purpose. And not just one, many.

I think of your fluid-filled body. Everywhere. Your toes are full of fluid. When they check your eyes, it appears that tears pour out of your eyes.

Mine too, baby. My body feels flooded with you…for you. My tears won’t stay in anymore. My heart can’t hold it in.

Her chest remains open, visible. They are keeping it open a little longer than expected. The hope is to close on Sunday and in the meantime work on decreasing the amount of fluid and swelling. Closing must happen at the perfect time and they are unwilling to rush it. Thank the good Lord. They are patient with her. The incredible nurses talk to her, just like they would if she were awake, not sedated. Not paralyzed.

Hopelessness and helplessness. Two emotions I have felt. But I can’t stay there. Look forward, Rachel. Praise for the good. Focus on the good. Do it. Now. For her…for this baby girl. I must…we must.

“You can get through what you might never get over.” -Christine Caine

Did you catch that? It’s powerful. Seems impossible. But I believe it is true. I will remain faithful.

Continue to fight with us…for her. We feel you all around. We hear you cheering her on, lifting her up, fighting the good fight.

Love and hugs,

20140627-121110-43870647.jpgPerfectly timed words I read this morning, June 27th.


9 thoughts on “Come Back to Me.

  1. Your anchor holds beneath the gale. What an inspiration and testimony this is to people like me that you do not even know. HE is the only one that can refresh you daily

  2. Your writing is exceedingly profound, powerful, yet trusting God. I pray for Audrey, you, Chris and Cooper, all the Grands. I am proud of you and Chris, of your spiritual maturity. Keep on, sweet Momma. Keep loving and trusting. We will keep praying.

  3. Rachel, God always has a way of giving us the right words or the right people at the exact time we need them. His love for us is amazing. He is fighting with and for your Audrey Bunny. She will come home with you to her beautiful love filled nursery you and your mom are fixing for her. She will snuggle and cuddle with her daddy and she will adore her silly big brother, her very own personal super hero! Rest in Gods arms and let him soothe you Rachel. He is in charge. Love you!

  4. Sweet baby Audrey,
    “He has done great things”! It has been a blessing and a privilege to see God move so magnificently in and through your young life. You are a testimony of His love and faithfulness, and He is being glorified!
    I would like to share the verse I believe He put on my heart to pray over you and your precious family this week. It is powerful and tender, straight from the heart of your heavenly Abba Father!
    He says to you in Zephaniah 3:17,
    “The Lord God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”
    Though the storm rages, He will sustain you and carry you. All of you!
    Rest and grow in His loving arms, the safest place to be!

    With love and prayers

  5. Praying this song will minister to you tonight! “Blessings” by Laura

    May God’s peace reign in your heart,
    June Cromling

    “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” (Romans 8:26 NIV)

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